Today, January 1st, 2025, marks five years of me no longer drinking alcohol.
Five years ago today, I woke up after “celebrating” the New Year and had no idea where I was. It was dark. Pitch black, dark. I was alone. I could not see anything. I was groping around, as though I were blind, trying to get my bearings.
Where was I? What time was it? Where was my family?
I felt scared. I felt anxious. I felt terrified, actually.
I felt disoriented, like I was inside my own purse, as though I had shrunk, a la Alice in Wonderland or Lily Tomlin in The Incredible Shrinking Woman.
WHAT was happening??
Turns out, I was fine. I was safe. I was in my own bedroom walk in closet.
I was just massively hungover. Well, no. It was 6 am and I was actually still very drunk-and high. A hangover to make My Top 10 Worst Hangovers list would come hours later.
January 1st, 2020 was not the first time I promised myself that I would not drink anymore-but it was the last time.
I had had another last drink-July 4th weekend, 2017. That sobriety-ish stint lasted for almost two years. Now that I am five years sober, I hope to never have another last drink.
What has kept me sober for five years? What did I do-and not do-that I had not done during my first attempt at sobriety in 2017?I told people I wasn’t drinking anymore
I joined a sober community
I got sober for me, not anyone else
I knew my why
I kept showing up-at meetings, for myself, for others.
Let me elaborate:
Telling people I was no longer drinking: In 2017, my first round of not drinking, I kept my sobriety a secret-only my then husband knew. When we were around our friends we usually drank with, I made an excuse: I was on a medication and could not drink (not entirely untrue as I was on a medication that I should never had been mixing with alcohol, but I used to do it regularly). This lack of honesty was part of what led to the lapse on NYE 2019. In 2020, I told everyone: my adult kids, my friends, my family, my coworkers. Not immediately and not necessarily, loudly and proudly, but I did it over time and at a pace that felt comfortable to me. I had a lot of shame around my decision and need to not drink. It took time to grow into the pride and strength I now feel around my choice and ability to stay sober.
I joined a sober community: In 2017, I went to AA, but I went sporadically, not feeling connected or as though I “belonged.” I drank differently than many in recovery. I was more of a gray area drinker and a binge and black out drinker. I also struggled to accept myself as an “alcoholic.” I was still with my ex, who not only did not support my sobriety, but also got angry when I went to meetings. He actively tried to sabotage my sobriety by mixing up my favorite cocktails and offering them to me-even after I explicitly asked him NOT to do this. Yeah, it was super f’d up, but I learned later that this is sadly not as uncommon as you would think. Many marriages and long term relationships do not survive when one of them gets sober.
By July of 2020, we had separated though and I discovered
‘s memoir: “We Are the Luckiest: The Surprising Magic of a Sober Life.” This is a phenomenal memoir about Laura’s journey of becoming sober as a mother and highly successful businesswoman. I highly recommended this quit lit reading-to say Laura’s book and community kept me sober and in many other ways changed my life is an understatement. After hearing Laura speak on the podcast, I joined her budding online sobriety support community,The Luckiest Club, borne out of the pandemic.This connection and community were accessible and convenient-I could join one or more of the several meetings a day and just listen, with my camera off. The format of the meetings appealed to me: One designated person leads the meeting. They begin with a brief meditation and then share an opening reading. They share what the reading or topic brought up for them personally, and then the meeting is open for anyone who wants to share for 2-3 minutes each.
For introverts like me, this low key, highly inspirational environment not only soothed my tender, newly sober soul, it let me go at my own pace of connection. At first, I just listened to meetings as I laid in bed at night. Then, I began to share in the chat, supporting my fellow sober peeps. Next, I started attending regularly and turning my camera on so others could see my face. After a few months, I worked up to (very nervously and very sweatily) sharing.
The opposite of addiction is connection ~ Johann Hari
I soon formed friendships and made connections that inspired me to stay sober. Five of us formed a text squad, messaging each other throughout the day with check-ins, struggles, and inspiration. We supported each other through our struggles and celebrated each other’s joys. One of these close sober friends became my boyfriend and was my number one cheerleader and a phenomenal support. Had he and I not gotten romantically involved, I imagine I would have found another sober bestie, but because I do not know this, I continue to be deeply grateful for that relationship. The relationship was over within a year and the breakup became a source of deep pain (and ultimately more healing), which posed a challenge to my sobriety. Thus, I would not encourage others to date during that first year or so of sobriety, but that is a (Love) story for another
daypost.The Luckiest Club is full of some of the most loving, beautiful, non-judgmental humans I have ever known. It is truly remarkable and I one hundred percent credit Laura and her community with my five years of sobriety.
I got sober for me, not for anyone else: In 2017, I got sober for my marriage, for my ex. My drinking had taken a big toll on my marriage. I was committed to working on the marriage, and despite my ex’s lack of support for my sobriety, I believed getting sober was necessary to not adding any more harmful behaviors on my part to the serious mess we had both made. In 2020, I got sober for my well-being, for me. I got sober because I wanted to live clearly and cleanly. I never again wanted to wake up wondering what I had done the night before, trying to remember what insulting and or inappropriate thing I had said to someone, sober CSI-ing my phone from the night before, mining my own data for my own activity. And, while on the morning of 2020 I happened to wake up in the safety of my own home and bedroom, throughout my years of drinking, this was not always the case.
I knew my why: In 2017, I wanted to get sober out of shame and guilt. In 2020, while I still had some shame and guilt around my past drinking and my past drinking behavior, I wanted to get sober to be a better version of myself. I wanted to be someone not only I respected, but that hopefully, one day, my grown daughters would also respect. When I drank, I became someone I did not like or respect.
I kept showing up-at meetings, for myself, for others: At The Luckiest Club, a common show of support was to hear the words, “Keep Going.” It sounds so simple, to just keep going, but it can be really challenging to keep showing up for yourself-not just not drinking, but feeling your feelings-without numbing them; learning and trying to figure out what is underneath your drinking; to support your sober friends. On the good days, showing up was easy. On the not so good, struggle bus days, showing up was hard. With support from sober friends, sober TLC meeting leaders, and fellow community members, it was still not easy, but all of them made it less hard.
There’s obviously so much more to getting and staying sober but I wanted to share a bit of my story not only to commemorate my own early days and my five year milestone, but also to help others see themselves in my story or to offer guidance to someone who is thinking they want to live alcohol free.
Maybe you also don’t want to wake up not knowing where you are anymore.
Maybe you also want to live fully and freely, clearly and cleanly.
Maybe you also want to live fully in the present, sober and mindful.
If this is you, I wish you all the best. I wish you courage, strength, hope and faith.
What about you? Are you sober? Want to get sober?
I would love to hear from you in the comments: your hopes, your struggles, your own sobriety tips, milestones, or questions for me.
If this resonated with you at all, please hit that HEART button and LIKE this post. It helps others find it.
Thanks for reading, thanks for being here,
~Rosemary
Congratulations on 5 years, Rosemary! I can relate to a lot of what you wrote here. Thank you for sharing, and keep going! 🫶
Congratulations on 5 and keeping the going, going!